For those lacking a decent dictionary, allow me to edify you on
the derivation of the term 'martial'; which is: an adjectival
form derived from the appellation of the Roman god of war, Mars.
As a form of sport or exercise, it serves as training for
warfare. Being ruled astrologically by the planet Mars, it's a
term applied to 'venomous animals, or plants with violently
active properties'!
An authority recently described 170 different forms of the
martial arts, ranging from Aikido to Zendo, maintaining new ones
were invented virtually every week by some self-styled master
who had either rediscovered some long lost art in an obscure
backwater, or had devised some ingenious use for a hitherto
unused body part. The arts covered every letter of the alphabet,
apart from E, Q, V, and X.
Accordingly, I have striven to render complete this lexicon of
the martial arts.
After many years of undertaking diligent research in the snowy
mountain fastnesses of Japan, the rain forests of Borneo, and
the nether regions of Nana Plaza, Bangkok, I have rediscovered
the missing arts, which I have pleasure in presenting to
novelty-seeking martial arts' aficionados for your delectation.
They are as follows:
1. Ebrangling: an exclusive, particularly hard form indulged in
by edentulous geriatrics in order to effatuate their opponents.
Simply put, the toothless-ancients dismount from their Zimmer
frames, shuffle, successfully grapple, and ultimately clench
their partners in a bear hug, violently shaking them so as to
render them besotted, dull or stupid.
2. Quitching: protagonists attempt to outwit their opponents,
employing techniques such as fiendishly feinting by making
sudden involuntary movements, somewhat in the Bruce Lee style,
without the accompanying cries from the solar plexus. Quoted by
Montaigne as, "I have seen men .. that would neither cry out,
twitch nor quitch, for a good swinging beating."
3. Quelming: an ancient, extremely hard form indulged in by
"chyldren, and fornycatours" aiming to torment, kill, or
destroy. Sadly, the techniques were expurgated as being too
violent for general public consumption.
4. Vezon : a particularly enigmatic form defined by the OED as -
"meaning obscure" - quoted by Ward as "Look, look, Joan, how the
Vezons fight. Who'd think they were so full of Spite?"
5. Xenelasy: a particularly effective Spartan method to be
employed for when we Brits reinvade in order to re-educate you
in the correct conventions of spelling and pronunciation.
Meaning 'to drive away', it employs a variety of free-forms and
is the martial art par excellence to be used for the expulsion
of foreigners.
Incidentally, don't bother to try and find these names of
martial arts in condensed dictionaries like Webster's or Frank
and Wagnall's, they're taken from the Bible of the English
Language, the Oxford English Dictionary.
Likewise, the internet won't offer you any enlightenment on the
modus operandi, or access to the dojos where these forms are
practised, either, and I'm keeping the techniques secret in the
interests of world peace.
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