One of the most difficult parts of being a father
is learning to accept your children’s mistakes. It
certainly can be easy to be loving, supportive,
and helpful when your children are mistake-free,
but most fathers who are paying attention don’t
find too many mistake-free periods of their
children’s lives.
Let’s be clear about our kids and their mistakes.
There aren’t too many kids who get up in the
morning, rub their hands together and say,” I
wonder how I can screw up today and really bother
my dad!” Kids don’t enjoy or want to make mistakes,
it’s just one of the ways that they learn about
the world.
Kids usually try to do their best; but they’re
doing their best considering the resources they
have at the time. Sometimes they’re tired,
sometimes they’re easily distracted, and sometimes
they’re strong-willed, but they generally do the
best they can. It’s quite easy for us to unfairly
judge them according to their best efforts in the
past.
When our kids make mistakes, we have choices to
make. Fathers can either make choices that help to
create kids who are defensive and who lie to them
…or they can make choices that help to create kids
who can learn from their mistakes and improve upon
them.
Kids who fear punishment or the loss of love in
response to their mistakes learn to hide their
mistakes. These children live in two different
places--one place where they have the love and
support of their father (parents), and another
where they feel that if their mistakes were
discovered, they would be undeserving of that
love. It’s hard for these kids to fully accept
their parents’ love and support even when it is
expressed. It’s also difficult for these kids to
set high standards for themselves, because they
tend to be fearful of failing.
These are some ideas for fathers who are committed
to helping create kids who can learn from their
mistakes, and who are not afraid of making a few:
Absolutely accept the notion that your kids are
doing their best, and that they’ll learn faster
about their mistakes if they are in an environment
that accepts mistakes.
Understand that your difficulty with your kids’
mistakes is in fact a reflection of your
difficulty dealing with your own mistakes; be
aware of this and deal with your own issues first.
Know the shaming messages that we can all give
so easily to our kids--messages that can do a lot
of damage to them and help them to feel unworthy.
Here’s a few of them:
- How could you have done that?
- You don’t listen to me!
- You can do better than that!
- What’s the matter with you?
Keep providing your kids with learning
experiences, but at the same time structure their
environment so they can’t make too many mistakes
(having expensive glassware around the house where
children might break it is not their fault).
Provide a great model for your children by the
way you react to making mistakes: do you get
defensive and stretch the truth, or do you own the
mistake and learn something from it? Create a
culture that’s based on learning from mistakes.
We only have one chance to show our kids the
patience and discipline necessary to allow them to
learn from the mistakes that we’ve all made. Your
opportunity to improve just started now; give your
kids the room that they need and deserve.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches busy parents by
phone to balance their life and improve their family
relationships. For a FREE twenty minute sample session
by phone; ebooks, courses, articles, and a FREE
newsletter, go to http://www.markbrandenburg.com. or
email him at mark@markbrandenburg.com.
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