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Parenting The Attachment Challenged Child |
By:
Bryan Post, PhD, LCSW |
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There is much literature on how to parent challenging children
these days. Unfortunately much of that literature does not
typically address the child with special parenting needs and a
special parenting understanding. A child that has been diagnosed
with reactive attachment disorder, oppositional defiant
disorder,or even depression, requires an understanding not of
the behavior itself, but rather of the underlying dynamics
driving the behavior. Take for example the analogy of an
iceberg. Typically when we refer to an iceberg we are referring
to what we see above the surface. However, 90% of every iceberg
is invisible, lying under the surface. What you consider to be
an iceberg is really only the tip. It's an overwhelming thought
when considering how enormous an iceberg is above the surface.
Imagine the other 90% lurking underneath.
Negative behaviors demonstrated by children are much the same.
Whereas we may attempt to remove an iceberg by hacking away from
the top down, we will only be spending endless time and energy
focusing on the smallest aspect of the iceberg. When we
encourage parents to only focus on alleviating behavior through
simple behavior modification charts, boot camp tactics, or
logical consequences, we are actually missing the most important
part of the behavior. Typically a focus just on the behavior may
eliminate the behavior for a while to only see it return another
day with greater intensity. Specific parenting steps can be
taken to effectively help reduce problem behaviors in a rapid
period of time. The steps will not be easy to implement, however
with a firm resolve to stay the course the effectiveness of each
approach is guaranteed to be effective.
The Stress Model
Stress plays a vital role in everything that we do. As an
internal experience we rely on stress daily to stay alive, and
engage the outside world. In addition, we rely on stress to
fight illness, digest food, and recover from difficult times.
Just to laugh is to experience a state of stress. In considering
parenting techniques for severe behavior we will be relying on a
theory of human behavior called the Stress Model. The Stress
Model is a very simple theory of behavior that says, "All
behavior arises from a state of stress and in between the
behavior and the stress is the presence of one of two primary
emotions: Love or Fear. It is through the expression,
processing, and understanding of the emotion that we can calm
the stress and diminish the behavior.
Very important point:There are only two primary emotions
--love and fear. Anger is not a primary emotion. It is a
feeling that is secondary to the bodily experience of fear. A
fear experience can occur through any of the sensory pathways.
Through what you see, hear, touch, smell, taste, and even the
temperature of your body. The experience of both stress and fear
is cellular. It occurs unconsciously. You won't always know what
causes fear or stress. If you are seeing anger, rage, jealousy,
and more it is arising from fear, rather than the anger. Love is
the space between two people. It is always present and surrounds
us each day. The only thing that keeps us out of love is our
fear. Since the presence of love is natural, it is up to us to
put fear aside and step into the presence of love. You may have
heard it said, "Perfect love casts out all fear," or "Love and
fear cannot co-exist."We have calmly come to perceive as love is
only fear in disguise. Most often times we do not see this
because we fail to see our own fear the majority of the time.
When talking about the specific severe behaviors, it will be
important to remember the fear and stress they create in the
parent first. If you try to overcome fear by creating more fear,
you only make fear greater.
Action exercise:
Try to see fear in actions between you and your child for one
full week. You'll be amazed. Visit www.postfamilysystem.com and www.parentingthead
optedchild.com to learn more!
Copyright© 2006 Dr. Bryan Post. All rights reserved.
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Article Source: http://www.PopularArticles.com/article16283.html |
Article: Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child
Author: Bryan Post, PhD, LCSW
Total Views: 18
Word Count: 619
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