Are men to blame for the divorce problem in this country?
It’s been said that one of the reasons for the high rate of
divorce in this country is the manner in which men choose
their wives. Specifically, they choose their wives in a fashion
similar to how they choose their next car.
They get the best-looking one available, and hope there’s
not much maintenance down the road.
While this may occasionally be true, there are also
practices that married couples need to follow to
avoid adding to a divorce rate hovering around 50%.
These practices are important for the success of your
marriage, and they’re also essential for the well-being of
your children.
In Maggie Gallagher’s book, “The Abolition of Marriage,”
she states that, “Half of all children will witness the breakup
of a parent’s marriage. Of these, close to half will also see
the breakup of a parent’s second marriage.”
Can we possibly continue with a system in which
half of our children witness the breakup of
their parent’s marriage? Is a divorce rate near
50% enough to have us consider new ideas about how
we decide about marriage and divorce?
One idea we might consider is educating young people
about the qualities of a successful marriage. The best way to do
this is to model these qualities for your children. In addition, we can
talk to them about the specific qualities and actions which make a
marriage successful.
Here are some of those qualities:
1. Commitment—According to one definition,
“Commitment is a freely chosen inner resolve to
follow through with a course even though
difficulty arises. How do we show our children
what to do when difficulty arises? Do we move to
where the grass is greener? Commitment is a daily
discipline. It’s the chat after dinner, and the kiss before
work. It’s the core from which we respond to difficulty.
It’s what makes our lives richer and deeper.
2. Emotional Awareness—If we know what’s really
bothering us, we can have effective and meaningful
conversations with our spouse. We can be genuine,
honest, and open with each other. And we can
discover that much of the pain we feel in our
relationship is actually our past emotional
history coming back to haunt us.
If you’re planning on getting married someday, you
need to be aware of what your emotional issues are. If
you’re not aware of them, you’re a great candidate to
add to a divorce rate that’s already staggering.
3. Be Kind, Not Right—We tend to have a tremendous
stake in showing our loved ones that we’re right. An
enormous amount of time is wasted in our relationships
by arguing over who’s right or wrong. This excessive
arguing is just an indication of our low self-esteem. A
much easier and more effective way to be in a relationship
is to commit to kindness. When you’re kind, you don’t need
to be right. And it’s so much easier for others to be with you!
There certainly are divorces that are respectful of children,
and many may be “justifiable.” But the number of divorces that
damage children’s lives’ is mind-blowing. And the trail behind
them is strewn with actions and decisions that reek of childish
self-interest.
It’s time for couples to grow up. It’s time to stop looking to “get
your needs met” in your relationship, and to start looking to meet
the needs of your family. It’s time to stop running away when things
get difficult, and to start persevering through the pain.
And most importantly, it’s time to see the real impact of divorce on
children.
Because the cost of not doing these things is beyond measure.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches busy parents by
phone to balance their life and improve their family
relationships. For a FREE twenty minute sample session
by phone; ebooks, courses, articles, and a FREE
newsletter, go to http://www.markbrandenburg.com or
email him at mark@markbrandenburg.com.
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