Connecting with others is one of the most rewarding things about college. The times sitting around the dorm rooms swapping stories are some of the most memorable times for me.
As any woman knows, the gift of gab is KEY to your success if you want to survive dorm life. The chat sessions that we held in the dorm at all hours in the morning were some of the most fun and interesting times in college. We would order pizza and pig out while talking about who had lost or gained weight, and all of the interesting things that had gone on in our life, like our past romances or who we were dating at the time, or what good looking guy was our next ambition. But, often, when one of the regulars weren’t there, we’d start gabbing about them, and what awful thing they had done this week. Since I was usually there during the sessions, it never occurred to me that I would be the subject of such talk. It just never crossed my mind. After all, I was so well liked, …or so I thought!
After a run one day I came out of the shower to hear my name mentioned by one of my suite mates. To my horror, it wasn't just my suite mates, but my roommate and a whole room full of girls from the hall. As I stood in the bathroom listening to the talk and laughter in the room next to me, I quietly steamed. I heard about how often my boyfriend would let the phone ring 1000 times, how messy I was, how I was too loud and so on and so on. I couldn’t believe that these were the same girls with whom I had confided my entire existence. I was in SHOCK that I was the subject of so many people’s disgust! They had been so nice to me in person, and now this?
I had no other choice than to confront them, head on. So, with my towel around my hair, and one around my dripping wet body, I quietly walked in the room during their “let’s talk about Mary gossip hour”. The gasps of horror filled the room and now it was THEIR time to be shocked. And rather than yell and scream, I simply said: “You know, I’m really sorry that I have offended all of you like I have. And it is hard to believe that I had to sit here and hear all of the things that I have done wrong. But do you all realize that yesterday, Anne, you were talking about Kathryn? And Kathryn, the other day, you were talking bad about Lynn? And Lynn, you were dissing Elaine? And Elaine you were in disgust with Liz? So can’t you see, all of us are sitting here right now, talking bad about ME, because I’m the one that wasn’t the room? But, if one of you left, that YOUR name would quickly be smeared all over the place? Is this how we want to be? Is this how we want to treat one another?”
No one said a thing, but the words lingered stiffly in the air as everyone looked uncomfortably around the room. I quietly left as everyone was left with their own embarrassment of being exposed.
After that, things changed for me. Any time a gossip session started creeping up into the conversation, I remembered the time when I had been talked about so horribly. I remembered how bad I felt finding out that my friends were really disgusted with me and rather than tell me to my face, they opted to talk to others about it. I learned that I would always find people who were different from me, and it didn’t matter that I understood what they did or not, that they were entitled to think and to act like they wanted to. I learned that even with our best friends, that we would sometimes disagree. I learned how important that loyalty was and what a great quality it was to develop. I learned that others would respect an individual who chose NOT to gossip and chose to stand apart from the people who do. And I learned, that I wanted to be that kind of person.
That day of gossip changed my life. I can’t say that I’m perfect now, but I do try to remember those lessons that I learned that day. I realize that I can’t change or control anyone else, but I am in control of how I conduct myself. I also now have living proof that the words my mom told me so long ago were ones that I would want to live by: “if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”
Mary Gardner, The Charisma Coach! is an Executive Communications Consultant and Trainer. She works with, coaches and trains individuals, sales teams, executives, and celebrities. She owned and operated one of the first coaching institutions on the east coast, CCI, in NYC, Philly and NJ. Mary has appeared on ABC’s 20/20 and has self published a book on public speaking. Mary is married to Sway and is mommy to Jeremy 5, and lives in Orlando, FL.
Contact: www.marygardner.com
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