Are you starting to see the outline of the puzzle taking shape?
When completed, the puzzle will reveal how we are negatively
affected by guilt and resentment.
What are some other mental motivations that are influenced by
guilt, resentment, and pain? How do these motivations contribute
to the behaviors that plague us? Once you see how these work, it
will be a lot easier to understand the different motivations for
any major problem that you find yourself wrestling with . . .
over and over again.
There are mechanisms you've developed to "survive your family."
The core workings of them are behind the behaviors you have and
don't like. The big three mechanisms are accommodation,
rebellion, and mimicking. Once you understand why you've invited
them into your life and made them so comfortable over the years,
you'll start seeing that you can also ask them to leave. Once
gone, the behaviors that seemed impossible to change will
change.
Accommodation
What's another way of saying accommodation? Try this: placing
your parent or sibling before you at your own expense. To
maintain the important ties to our parents or siblings, to feel
loved by them, we may accommodate to or comply with their
reasonable expectations. That's okay, right? Sure, but what
about accommodating or complying with their serious flaws and
damaging expectations? Not as "okay," right? Too much
accommodation causes us to ignore our own interests, goals, and
destiny. If that were the case, why would we do this? Because
their guilt-provoking words and deeds show us that they're hurt
when we don't comply or accommodate.
Huh? Look at it like this: Say you become very obedient to a
very controlling parent; you could easily become too submissive
and you could quickly learn to squelch your own independent
thinking. What happens if you don't comply? Usually, this kind
of parent becomes agitated--he screams, she loses control, maybe
they become violent. What does he scream? "You damn kid. You
never listen. Do it now or I'm going to kill you!" Their
insults, screaming, and other such behaviors are all clear
evidence that your parents are fragile. You've wounded them.
You've sent them right over the edge. So what's a nice,
well-meaning kid supposed to do? How about limiting his or her
normal sense of independence?
Accommodation or compliance is very likely to cause you to
suffer profoundly if your submissive behavior continues for the
rest of your life. You'll hate yourself for not asserting
yourself and then you'll find that people close to you can't
stand you for the very same reason. Maybe you'll try to suppress
it and it just comes out anyway. Every time you come in late for
a meeting, stubbornly disagree with everyone around you, or even
do an assignment with begrudging defiance, you're revealing your
resentment of your authoritarian parent.
Excerpted from Self-Help for Smarties: Secret Success Codes for
Weight Loss, Love, Career and
Parentinghttp://www.penmarin.com/proddetail.asp?prod=Gootnick2&f
rom=2) by Irwin Gootnick, M.D. (Penmarin Books
http://www.penmarin.com, May 2006).
|
Categories 
