Don't mistake stiff, obtuse copy for professional-sounding
communication. Jargon and vague clichés add nothing of value for
the reader, are difficult to fully understand, and make the
writer seem pompous. Here's an example of puffed up copy that
gives up clarity in an attempt to sound impressive and important:
"Seeking to enrich the community by offering creative
experiences that make a difference in the lives of visitors, the
Museum involves artists, arts educators, a variety of community
organizations, and the children themselves as active partners in
all aspects of Museum programming.
Offering an assortment of dynamic, arts-based education programs
and exhibits that cultivate creativity, originality and
individuality, the Museum seeks to uncover hidden talents, raise
new questions, and encourage creative thinking. Though
frequented by elementary schools and family visitors, the Museum
is designed to engage all ages, including toddlers, teens,
parents, and grandparents.
As a cultural and educational institution with a multi-national
audience, the Museum is also dedicated to integrating the unique
character of our community with its extraordinary ethnic
diversity, unique geographic border, emerging urban culture,
innovative technologies and rich artistic resources.
Multi-cultural activities that celebrate the arts & culture of
diverse world-wide communities through hands-on art projects,
storytelling, music, visual & performing arts events that employ
styles, techniques, cuisine and cultural histories from around
the world are examples of how the Museum strives to strengthen
multi-cultural understanding, respect, and to build community
through the language of art."
Huh? Aren't we talking about a children's museum here? This
message could have been expressed in 1/3 of the space. Repeat
after me: The longer and more convoluted your copy, the less
likely someone will read it. If they don't read it, they won't
get your message. If they don't get your message, they won't buy
from you.
The above example is more boring than informative. Self serving
and bloated writing always is. Even so, the writer was obviously
educated. So what happened? Why is so much business writing so
unreadable?
Reason 1: The writer didn't bother editing
More than likely the above example was the first and only draft.
Count the redundancies. These could have been easily removed had
the writer spent more time streamlining the copy.
Reason 2: The writer was trying too hard to sound "smart"
In an attempt to impress a reader, boss or colleague, otherwise
talented and highly skilled professionals inflate their copy,
turning it into incoherent but "important sounding" gibberish.
Where's the message?
"Seeking to enrich the community by offering creative
experiences that make a difference in the lives of visitors."
I'm a parent, and I can promise you that I don't care one bit if
the museum I take my kid to "seeks to enrich the blah blah
blah..."
Here's what I would care about...
1. My kid having safe fun 2. My kid learning something 3. Not
being bored to death myself
I guarantee that even the most worldly and cultured parents care
about the same 3 things. The writer should have known that.
Let's rewrite this, starting with the original copy.
"Seeking to enrich the community by offering creative
experiences that make a difference in the lives of visitors, the
Museum involves artists, arts educators, a variety of community
organizations, and the children themselves as active partners in
all aspects of Museum programming.
Offering an assortment of dynamic, arts-based education programs
and exhibits that cultivate creativity, originality and
individuality, the Museum seeks to uncover hidden talents, raise
new questions, and encourage creative thinking. Though
frequented by elementary schools and family visitors, the Museum
is designed to engage all ages, including toddlers, teens,
parents, and grandparents.
As a cultural and educational institution with a multi-national
audience, the Museum is also dedicated to integrating the unique
character of our community with its extraordinary ethnic
diversity, unique geographic border, emerging urban culture,
innovative technologies and rich artistic resources.
Multi-cultural activities that celebrate the arts & culture of
diverse world-wide communities through hands-on art projects,
storytelling, music, visual & performing arts events that employ
styles, techniques, cuisine and cultural histories from around
the world are examples of how the Museum strives to strengthen
multi-cultural understanding, respect, and to build community
through the language of art."
The rewrite:
"The museum offers dynamic educational programs and exhibits
for children of all ages. Our activities celebrate art and
culture through hands-on projects, story telling, music and
performances. Children from all backgrounds will uncover hidden
talents, learn about the world around them, and most
importantly, have fun."
There--the copy reduced to about 30% of the original. Does it
cover every single point? No. But it does get across the core
message, and that's all that really matters in the end. It makes
one point, in a clear and simple way, rather than convolute a
straight forward idea with jargon and fluff.
Remember, no matter how brilliant or profound your message,
nobody will get it if they don't read what you wrote in the
first place. The simplest way to get your copy read is to write
like you talk. That's it. Of course, your copy will be better
edited than your day to day speech, but it should still sound
natural.
How to improve your own writing
1. Read your copy out loud several times and eliminate or change
any phrasing that sounds stiff, unnatural, or just doesn't make
sense. 2. Simplify, simplify, simplify. 3. Pick 1 core message
and focus on getting it across in the most efficient and
interesting way possible.
Here's another example from a recent workshop advertisement:
"Great enterprises and great teams know how to unite their
efforts around an inspiring mission and clear vision for action.
And getting that commitment from employees on the front lines
requires managers to master the best communication strategies
for success. " Now imagine a salesperson walking into your
office and saying the same thing. That mouthful would be met
with a blank stare.
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