Christmas Meltdowns

Well, it's December 1st and I just had my first one. I've started playing Christmas Carols and was fine until I head the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and NY Philharmonic do "Once in Royal David's City."

My 21 year old son died several years ago. When he was little, and looked like a Boticelli cherub, and the voice of surely an Italian angelo, he sang in the Boys' Choir. One year, they gave a Christmas concert in the Chapel at Trinity University, and came in singing "Once in Royal David's City," as the processional.

Ok. So, first meltdown over.

The next one is likely to be around "Hallelujah Chorus." I love the pomp and circumstance, love Handel, love that you stand when it plays, and I have two memories around it. One, when my Dad was dying, we sat together in the living room and he, with his formerly operatic bass voice, stood, when he could hardly sit, and sang along with it. And then, we played it at the beginning of my son's Memorial Service.

There will be other meltdowns.

Have you had your first one yet? Or 3rd, 10th, or 20th? Or have you shut down, behaving like a Scrooge, because you'd rather be numb, foregoing pleasure so you don't have to feel pain? Law of physics of emotions: Shut one down, you shut them all down.

Or has someone else had one. There was a big blowup in Tamara's office first thing Monday morning. Her husband is a minister whose job becomes mega stressful at Christmas, and it had gotten to her, so she passed it on, yelling at someone.

Work escalates in some business, churches for instance. It's also where people show up who aren't welcome, can't afford, or who have worn out their welcome at the offices of therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, and even family.

And of course that's why I manage my meltdowns. Nobody wants to hear, can bear to hear about a dead child at Christmas time. So I save it. I have my meltdowns at home. (However, if yours aren't manageable, something you will innately know, please seek help from a mental health professional.)

THE ANATOMY OF A MELTDOWN

WHO

Who is likely to have one?

1. Any of us, any time we get too tired, too overwrought, too hungry, too lonely, to stressed. We will focus on a certain loss, usually, but the meltdown has to do with emotional management.

2. Young women who feel they must put on Christmas and do it alone. It amounts to another full-time job, the hubby doesn't help, resentment and fatigue build, this makes the kids act out because emotions are contagious. It's closed loop with a downward trajectory.

3. Men whose wives are "out of control." Most men would just as soon emotional outbursts "go away," particularly such things as tears from their wives, and children having tantrums, either of which can be encouraged to appear when there's been too much sugar, and too little sleep. Wife-beaters will find ample self-justification when there's over-spending, missed appointments, their wives and kids aren't "listening" - "lip" from the wife, attitude" from his teen, and the baby (affected of course) is "being a cry baby." Of course women are not immune from violent behavior either when there's low emotional intelligence (including impulse control and anger management.) 4. The vulnerable. The young, the old, the sick and the weak. The young child whose parents have divorced since last Christmas may start wetting the bed again, failing school, sucking his thumb, eating too much or too little, throwing more tantrums or refusing to speak at school. The aged widower may withdraw, falling asleep in his chair at the dinner table, or express the depression in agitation - being cranky and nasty. 5. The Helpers. Therapists,' counselors,' psychiatrists,' ministers' and rabbis' office fill up. And your whiny little sister who's 40, comes to your "office" calling you all day with her problems. If you're the Helper take care of yourself. Try a coach, for instance. While my practice stays robust over the holidays, coaching clients are healthy, and good copers, and usually one focused phone call for clarity suffices.

6. The Helped. The origin of the phrase "no good deed goes unpunished" must have originated from people with traumas or crises who are coping as well as can be expected, but someone is hounding them, hovering over them, trying to fix them, or smothering them. This is particularly stressful for introverts, who are able to heal alone. If someone's violating boundaries, no matter what their motivation, set yours. (Call for coaching if you're confused.) When my first son was born, my husband was an intern and the first two days, all his friends came to see me and the baby, being immune from hospital visitation rule Finally I shut the door, put a sign on it, and got the rest I needed. And THESE days, anyone sick enough to actually be in a hospital, needs their rest. 7. Anyone who neglects their physical health and immune system. When the weather gets cold, wet, or both, viruses hover around. Our FIRST line of defense against bacteria is our immune system. It is our ONLY line of defense against viruses. Neutraceuticals such as DefenseBuilder or Get Well Soon, Dietary Supplemen (scientifically proven to nutritionally support your immune syste), plus rest, exercise, and fresh air can help you keep your equilibrium. When we're physically ill, we likely to be more emotionally volatile.

WHAT

Anything can start a meltdown, because it begins with our internal chemistry and thoughts. It's how we react to something external. It's environmental - including our internal environment, so take care of yourself with that are pure so they don't add to the toxins, and scientifically proven to nutritionally support your immune system like Arbonne products.

WHEN

Holidays. Night time. When we're tired, or irritated (noises, room termperature, clothing), tension of any sort - sexual, emotional, mental, physical. After the height of emotion in the opposite direction, because our bodies want what's called "homeostasis." If you get "too happy," expect to be "too sad" quite soon. Therefore, many of us who know emotional intelligence, choose to stay in the middle most of the time, because we don't like the swings, and don't think the "good" is worth the "bad." Do you?

WHY

Because all the ingredients are there this time of year that cause emotional turmoil. Memories, thoughts, feelings, reconnecting with people we don't like or resent, too much to do, guilt, shame, blame, it's all there. Throw in parties with liquor, sugar, and late hours, and you add another layer of "Recipe for Meltdown."

Also because you don't regulate what can be regulated, such as turning off the television, turning off the music, refusing some parties, not exchanging gifts (but love instead), and so forth. WHERE

Anywhere. Some people believe meltdowns should be in the privacy of the home, with intimates, with paid professionals, or always in private. Others believe tears are tears, and are able to experience anger without lashing out at others, or damaging themselves or others, but rather connecting and getting comfort and sympathy.

If you feel yourself getting into overwhelm, stop, look and listen. Who's driving this train? You are. Learning emotional intelligence allows you to understand and manage the emotions better.

One of the goals I have for my emotional intelligence clients is to get there (negatives states) less often and slower, experience it lighter and shorter, get out of it faster, and get over it quicker.

I'm sure you know what I mean!

Music can be very healing as well as disturbing. Check out Club Vivo Per Lei / I Live for Music for beauty, enjoyment and helpful ideas; and the Replay Store, for gently used courses on music, philosophy and the arts (part of emotional intelligence) taught by some of the best teachers in the US.

 Learn more at http://www.susandunn.cc/