Who’s Helping Our Grieving Children Cope with Katrina? By Marcia
Breitenbach, Licensed Psychotherapist
Every day through the media, images of death, loss, grief and
violence as a result of Hurricane Katrina are presented to not
only adult eyes, but also the vulnerable eyes and hearts of our
children. Adults barely have the tools and experience to process
what they see intellectually and emotionally. Imagine how the
younger and more vulnerable among us deal with this!
Not only do the children who have faced this storm directly need
immediate consideration, but also those who are safely in their
homes in other parts of the country need to be tended carefully.
Because few have maps or experience dealing with the challenges
they witness in others’ lives—and because many parents feel
ill-equipped to guide their children through traumas such as
Katrina, or the death of a loved one—change is scary.
Yet if adults can’t figure out how to handle change, how can our
children move through their journeys of loss and change?
Loss and grief force inner and outer changes to take place in
all of our lives, yet in a way we can direct. We can learn to
use the energy of change not only to bring healing, but to
encourage wholeness in a child’s physical, mental, spiritual,
and emotional being.
Let’s look at ways parents can help their children deal with
death, loss and grief, close to home as well as far away.
Dealing with Common Experiences All children who encounter grief
and change process them differently. But some feelings and
experiences are common to almost everyone.
Infants, for example, don’t intellectually understand changes
around them, but they sense changes in their life situations
physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To assist infants in
directing the energy of change, give them reassurance through
your touch. Talk about what has happened. Act with a consistency
to support the routines they know. Mostly, they need to know
they can count on your support, that you’ll keep them safe and
take care of their needs.
Supporting Toddlers in Crisis When dealing with the idea of
death, toddlers and young children through age five don’t
understand the concept of permanence. They repeatedly ask when a
deceased person will return. Children at this age learn through
repetition and play, therefore they need you to patiently tell
them over and over what has happened.
Many people make the mistake of using phrases such as “gone
away,” “resting,” “sleeping,” and “taken to heaven,” which can
confuse and scare children. It’s best to be as honest as you can
with them. Include them in as much of the process as they care
to participate in.
Children go in and out of grieving in a rhythm that follows
their inner needs. If you notice them regressing behaviorally,
that means they’ll likely benefit from more, rather than less,
structure, including dependable routines. In addition, supply
them with various play materials such as paper and art supplies,
clay or puppets. Help them use these materials to work out their
feelings and thoughts.
Supporting Older Children Children aged six through ten begin to
understand the permanence of death, yet they don’t want to
acknowledge it. Like younger children, they may also desire to
know literal and physical facts about illnesses, dead bodies,
and disposal of bodies, though they won’t directly ask. It’s
important to be honest and direct when explaining details.
Again, find out “where they’re at” in their understanding of the
situation. Once you do, give them only as much information as
they require.
When in their pre-teens, children are in a transitional place of
understanding and expressiveness. Peer pressure has begun to
rear its weighty head; an inner battle concerning independence
and vulnerability is raging. These children experience many
conflicting emotions and their feelings of grief can certainly
be confusing. Giving them honesty, support, and “space” to
process the changes on their own are essential. Perhaps you can
provide a journal, an age-appropriate book, or a support group
of peers if they’re open to it.
Dealing with Mature Teens As teens mature, their ability to
grieve with their immediate families usually decreases. They
tend to take their feelings and concerns to peers or to a
trusted adult such as a pastor, teacher, or uncle. They could
display more acting-out or risk-taking behaviors than younger
children. As with the other age groups, it’s important to be
honest, show your own feelings and vulnerability, and provide
lots of love and support.
Guilt, a difficult emotion at any age, can be particularly
evident in mature teenagers. Gently probe to see if they’ve
attached guilt to the grief they feel. Provide reassurance that
all their feelings are normal. Most of all, let them know that
they did not cause the loss. Even very young children can have
the perception that they somehow caused the event leading to the
loss.
Each Child is Unique This brief summary indicates a few common
developmental differences in grieving children of select age
groups. However, because each child is unique, understanding
death and grieving varies from child to child.
Remember, grief is not an illness; it’s a normal response to
loss. And most children move through their grief journeys
without significant problems. But when grief becomes complicated
by factors such as addictions in the family, traumatic death,
history of abuse, multiple losses, and minimal family or
community support, then children may require professional help.
Also, the grief of a larger community, such as a nation focused
on the aftermath of the hurricane, presents additional
conflicting emotions. Engage your child in a discussion about
what they see on tv, what their peers and teachers have said
about the events, and most importantly, what your child thinks
and feels. Ask questions without trying to ‘make it better.’
If a grieving child exhibits persistent destructive behaviors,
prolonged depression or withdrawal, debilitating somatic
complaints, or excessive anger, consult a grief professional. In
fact, these guidelines apply to any loss—whether it involves a
death, a move, a separation, a divorce, or a serious health
challenge.
Be Sure to Talk With Them Grief is a subject that often gets
avoided or handled fearfully and briefly. As a parent, educator,
and counselor, I encourage you to talk with your children about
their loss or the ones they view in the media. Discuss what
changes will result in their lives because of a loved one’s
death or events in the world as completely as you can. If you
provide structured education, children will learn to handle
future loss and crises with confidence rather than fear.
Also, be sensitive to cultural differences in dealing with death
and other losses. Remember, there is never “one way” to teach or
do anything Take Care of Your Own Needs In your role as teacher,
counselor, or parent, it can be easy to ignore your own needs.
Naturally, you feel genuine concern about the welfare of
children faced with a difficult loss, but your own feelings
about life-changing events are just as important as theirs. If
you don’t allow yourself to process them, you’ll be a less
effective role model for your children.
In particular, take time to face your own discomfort about
talking to the children about death and grief. If you’re aware
of unresolved grief issues from your past, seek a trusted person
with whom you can discuss your feelings. Look at this as a great
opportunity to do some “inner housekeeping.”
Tools and Tips Here are some ideas to guide you: 1) Breathing
exercises go a long way to reduce the stress of loss and change.
Breathe in . . . breathe out . . . aah. 2) Remember, it’s okay
to show children that you’re grieving, too. Admit your own
confusion, anger, or sadness about the situation; this gives
them permission to feel and grieve themselves. When you show
children how you take care of yourself during difficult times,
they learn life-affirming ways to deal with crisis and change.
3) Have the children tell their stories. They can do this with
words, pictures, or dramatization. You’ll find that it’s healing
both to tell our stories and witness others’ stories. 4) Have
children do sentence completions and then discuss what came up.
Examples would be: “I wonder what...” or “I wish I could… ” or
“I need you to know that . . . ” or “The hardest thing for me in
my life right now is . . . ” 5) It’s important for children to
remember that they aren’t alone. A lot of help is available.
Encourage them to think about all the things and people they
consider to be their resources. Then have them make a picture or
map of these resources using crayons, pastels, pencils, and
markers. This map can contain favorite activities and people,
pets, even spiritual helpers. It becomes a valued reminder and
symbol of where they can turn when they feel low. 6) Due to
circumstances, sometimes children don’t have the opportunity to
say goodbye to their pets when they die. It’s hard for anyone to
grieve without having a chance to say goodbye. Have your
children write a letter to the pet or person who is gone, or ask
them to draw their “goodbyes” if they can’t write them. 7)
Encourage your children to draw their feelings or make a collage
that represents death, loss, or change. They may prefer to write
a poem about death, compose music, or make up a feeling dance.
8) When grieving, it’s important to balance the sadness, anger,
and fear you feel with thoughts about the good things in your
life. The same is true for children. Have them list all the
things they feel grateful for. 9) Assure your children that the
children directly affected by the hurricane have loving adults
helping and watching over them. Let them know that you will do
all in your power to keep them safe and that you have a plan in
case something unexpected happens. Then make sure you DO have a
plan. 10) Sometimes children feel badly about themselves during
times of major change and loss. Have them make a collage of what
it means “to be human.” Encourage them to depict positive and
negative feelings as well as behaviors, which helps them see how
a “whole person” looks. Discuss the fact that everyone grows and
learns as a result of change. 11) Children, like adults, often
fear what’s ahead. It’s easier to acknowledge and work with fear
when they can “see” it, instead of putting their efforts into
hiding it. Have them sculpt their fears with clay or another
medium. 12) Help children understand that they have choices
about what they think and say, and how they react and behave.
Reinforce the idea that these choices determine what they get
throughout their lives. 13) Children and adults feel helpless
when faced with situations out of their control. Our natural
tendency is to want to help those in dire need. Allow your
children to help in some way. This will give them the feeling of
being useful, and it helps them to grow their compassion. Ask
them if they have any ideas, and if they don't, you can make
suggestions: collecting donations from friends, family, at
school or in the neighborhood; making bags with needed items
included--they could also write a personal note of support to
include in each bag; organizing a fundraiser; collecting
donations for the rescue of pets; getting their schoolmates to
write poems, letters, drawings, songs, etc with donations; and
of course, prayer. Have them visualize love, light, and hope
being delivered to victims and their families with their prayers.
Listen Deeply When you’re with children who are grieving, your
primary resource is a good ear. That doesn’t necessarily mean
your physical ears; it also includes your emotional, mental, and
spiritual ears. Listening deeply helps you be present with them
and pick up on their cues. It goes a long way toward healing—for
everyone involved.
Beware. If you simply “go at them” with your knowledge about the
grief process and impose “grief activities” on them, you risk
losing their trust through poor timing. Know that with good
tools, your ability to listen both to the children and to your
own intuition, you’ll be guided to help them have a positive,
even transformational, experience.
Marcia Breitenbach is a licensed psychotherapist, and author of
The Winds of Change: A Guided Journey with Healing Music through
Grief, Loss & Transformation and its accompanying CD of original
healing songs. Visit her website at www.griefandlosshelp.com and
get your free report and inspiring song.
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